Struggling to rebuild intimacy after miscarriage? Gynaecologist shares tips

When Aakriti and Akshay (names changed) lost their baby at 8 weeks, an invisible wall of grief settled between them. Aakriti was emotionally and physically broken, while her husband who battled his own emotions, wasn’t sure what to say or do to make her feel better. Instead of getting closer over their shared grief, intimacy in their relationship took a hit. “At times, he would be hesitant about even holding hands, and I started self-doubting about the way I looked and felt. We wanted to reconnect, but didn’t know how,” Aakriti says. For many couples, struggling with emotional and physical intimacy after miscarriage is common.

Communication and professional guidance can go a long way in helping such couples heal together, senior gynaecologist Dr Rita Bakshi, tells Health Shots.

“A miscarriage or pregnancy loss is a very painful experience for any couple. A woman may experience physical pain, sadness, stress, and more at this time. There are many couples who may feel disconnected from each other or are unsure about how to become close again. There are some people who may feel scared to try again and some may not feel ready to be physically close again. So, it’s important to give yourself and your partner some time, patience, and love at this difficult time,” adds Dr Bakshi, the co-founder of RISAA IVF.

It is important to understand how to slowly return to intimacy after a miscarriage or loss, and how to support the emotional health of your partner during this time.

How does miscarriage affect emotionally?

A miscarriage can be very painful emotionally. There are many people who feel very sad, confused, or even blame themselves that it might be their fault. These emotions are normal and part of the recovery procedure.

Here are some common emotional changes after a miscarriage, as per Dr Bakshi

• Feeling very sad or crying easily
• Thinking it was your fault (even when it may not be)
• Feeling angry or upset
• Feeling alone or that no one understands
• Being scared of getting pregnant again
• Not sleeping or eating well
• Not enjoying things that you usually like
• Feeling distant from your partner or loved ones

When is the right time for intimacy after miscarriage?

There is no fixed time for couples to resume sex after miscarriage. It totally depends on their physical and emotional health. “It is very important for the partners to feel comfortable and not feel forced. At this time, a man plays a very crucial role in her wife’s life because he is the only one who is more attached to her emotionally and physically and they are feeling the same loss,” explains Dr Bakshi.

Here are some things to keep in mind:

• Wait at least 2 to 3 weeks or until bleeding and pain stop
• Make sure that both partners feel emotionally ready
• Don’t rush or feel pressured
• Talk openly about your feelings with your partner
• Listen to your body and respect your emotions
• Ask your doctor if you’re unsure when it’s safe to try again

How to support each other during this time?

A miscarriage or loss can be very difficult for both husband and wife. They may feel different emotions and that is completely normal. It is important for couples to support each other at this time by doing simple things.

Here are some simple ways to support each other:

1. Listen carefully: Let your partner share their feelings without interrupting or judging them.
2. Share your feelings: Share how you feel so your partner understands you too.
3. Be patient: Healing takes time so it’s important to give each other time.
4. Show love: A small hug, kind words, or just being there can help a lot.
5. Don’t blame: This is nobody’s fault and it’s important to remind each other about this.
6. Seek help if needed: Talking to a counselor can help a lot in this difficult time.

Additionally, it is important to know that being close doesn’t always mean to have sex. After a pregnancy loss, there are many other ways to feel close and connected with your partner.

“You can try hugging each other, sitting close and cuddling, holding hands, giving a soft massage, going out for a walk or a simple date, talking and sharing your feelings,” says Dr Bakshi.

What if one partner is ready and the other isn’t?

It is very common for one partner to feel ready to be close again after a miscarriage. On the other hand, the other partner may take some time to be close again. This can lead to confusion, sadness, or even frustration. However, it is important to remember that both feelings are normal.

“Try to talk openly and calmly instead of feeling hurt or upset. It is important to let each other explain how you feel without pressure. Respect your partner’s space and focus on emotional closeness first. Physical connection can come later when both of you feel ready,” explains Dr Bakshi.

It is important to take slow steps, show care, and be patient with each other to help you grow stronger together during this time. Healing emotionally and physically doesn’t happen at the same time for everyone and that is okay. And remember, it’s always okay to ask for help if you need it.